so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just tell him i said nine months
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
