why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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