Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
