Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
