My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
