where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
