Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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