everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
