i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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