Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
