Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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