goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
