i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
