My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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