i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
