definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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