Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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