saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
