dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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