My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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