can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
