he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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