Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
