i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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