I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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