Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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