i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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