also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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