I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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