2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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