I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
