there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
