I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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