I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my sisters under your porch take her home
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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