When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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