I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
