Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize