Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
