dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
