Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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