i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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