And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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