I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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