the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
