I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
