just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
