I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
