There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
