before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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