I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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