Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
