last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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