we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
