theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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