i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't deserve a penis
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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