Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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