why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
