i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
