Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
