after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i came on her dog
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
