i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
