Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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